SKUNK APE MATING SEASON BEGINS IN FLORIDA!

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Flash News has reported that Skunk Ape mating season is underway in the Florida Everglades and that the “frolicsome” creatures may be out for blood.

Dave Shealy, an RV park owner in Ochopee, Florida, and a self professed “leading researcher” of the SKUNK APE — Florida’s smaller, smellier, swamp dwelling cousin to the legendary BIGFOOT — phenomenon,  claims there are currently seven to nine Skunk Apes currently living in the Everglades.

Even more intriguing than Shealy’s apparent census of the HAIRY-HOMINIDS are his claims that this the best time to spot one because he believes it’s their mating season. Lately, Shealy’s heard numerous campers report strange sounds coming from the swamps. He figures it’s the Skunk Ape’s mating call, which he says sounds like a low-pitched dove cooing.

Though Skunk Apes are generally shy animals, Shealy says women during their “time of month” should be careful when hiking the area because the cryptids are allegedly to the scent of menstruation. Shealy also believes that they are aroused by worn lingerie, so female campers shouldn’t hang their undergarments out to dry because, in his words:

“That’s like raising a flag and inviting them in.”

It would seem that we can be expecting to be reading headlines of a Skunk Ape invasion of Victoria’s Secret and Fredrick’s of Hollywood any day now.

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